Dear Camden, my little pooks, it’s hard to believe that you are 5 months old already! It seems impossible that it was 5 months ago that you came into our lives; mine, dad’s, and brother’s, and made the world a smiley, happy, goobery place. Our lives just weren’t quite complete until you came along. Tyler was lonely, dad needed his baby fix, and mom needed, well, we’ll just call it  perspective. You solved all of those things for us, just by existing! But you do so much more than exist. You light up our lives with the tiniest things that you do. The world becomes a better place when you smile. That big, toothless, drooly smile. There’s nothing in this world like it. Nothing. It makes the world with all of it’s heartaches and troubles just melt away and fade to nothingness.

I love everything about you. Everything. I even love when you wake me up at 6 am and I don’t really want to get up but you are next to me babbling away about whatever it is that babies babble about. And then I open my eyes to you and you are grinning at me. You are always so glad to see me, it’s been several hours after all, how could I not be so glad to see you too?

There are so many things to love….

Like how sometimes when you fall asleep, your jaw continues to move like you are suckling.

Or the way you snuggle so close to me when we sleep at night, even though I’m practically falling off of the bed.

The sweet sound of your laughter. Those hearty baby belly laughs that make daddy late for work because he can’t bear to leave you.

I love how you have discovered your feet this month. It makes me feel silly for buying you all of those toys when you’d rather play with your feet instead. Or mom’s hair. Or my hand. You make me see that the simple things, the free things, are what is important and truly priceless. Perspective. I hope that life is always this uncomplicated but you’re getting bigger everyday and I know these times are fleeting. Just this last month, in all of the craziness of the season, you have started rolling over, but only when we aren’t looking or don’t have a camera nearby, forcing me to truly be in the moment. But you can’t blame me for wanting to be greedy. I want just these moments to last for ever.

This month you have learned to put your binky in your mouth all by yourself which really helps mom out, it’s one less thing I need to try to soothe you when you are fussy. You really are shaping up to be a helpful kid.

This month you started bouncing in your jumperoo. It was pretty exciting when your feet touched the ground without a pillow underneath you but the day you figured out what that thing could really do?! Let’s just say the excitement in this house was palpable. Even brother got in on the fun and now we have video that will embarrass you both one day. In one video. That’s like winning the parental lottery.

This month you turned into a total Mr Nosy-Pants-Wiggle-Worm.You show your fascination with the world with the way you twist and turn because you want to take everything in. I just want to take in everything about you and I just hope I can remember all of this stuff when you are big.

It was also a sad month because, inexplicably, one day you no longer had the awesomely weird long mustache hair that daddy was so proud of. Sadly we never got a picture because it was so light and fine. But it was there and will become the stuff legends are made of. If only in this household.

I have to work this Thursday and it’s been nearly two months with the holidays. I dread having to leave your side for fear I might miss something or just miss that day with you. Time is cruel and unforgiving and one day without you is just a day lost, a day not lived. I wonder if this is how daddy feels and I am so grateful to him for allowing me to be home with you. It’s the second greatest gift he has given to me.

I think that it must have been a parent that coined the word “bittersweet”. Because nothing describes bittersweet more than watching your kids grow. On one hand, the sadness of time passing and the realization that you cannot get that time back is a bitter pill to swallow. But on the other hand, there is the simultaneous sweetness of all the great stuff yet to come. Bitter and sweet. Bittersweet. Yeah.

Dear Camden, the fact that I even wrote this letter may one day be a source of embarrassment for you. In fact, everything I do someday will be a source of embarrassment for you. But I hope that through that embarrassment you will be able to understand why I wrote this. I hope that from this letter, someday, you get this: that if we love you this much now, just imagine how much we will love you when we have had the pleasure of knowing you for thirteen, fifteen, eighteen years. And I hope that when that girl breaks your heart or the world seems cruel or maybe you are unsure of your place in it, that you can read these letters (because there will be many more to come) and understand why you are here on this earth. Because once upon a time, two people loved each other very much and from that love (and a lot of prayers) came you. And hopefully you will know just how amazing and important you are and how much you mean to the three people who knew you and loved you first.

With all of my heart, I love you,

Mom